Wow, I've been 30 for almost a month already?! That seems pretty crazy...I almost feel like I'm still planning for my birthday, like it never actually happened...
I think it's because I was expecting some kind of magical transformation to happen overnight, or something like that...I don't really know, I guess I was just expecting it to feel different somehow.
And unfortunately I did haha but not in the best way...I've gotta be honest: there were definitely some struggles in the days and weeks that followed my birthday. Thank goodness I had a therapy appointment set for a few days after my birthday: I felt as though I just needed a check-up, but by the time my appointment rolled around, I was in the midst of a setback that I wasn't ready for. On my birthday, I had posted this whole body positive caption with a poolside photo...but the next day I felt like a complete fraud. For some reason, instead of waking up feeling 30 & Fabulous, all I could think was that I was 30 & Fatter Than Ever...and it hurt. A LOT.
The truth is, I was struggling...but I was trying to push past it, and it wasn't working. That voice in my head was getting louder, and I felt like I didn't have much in me to prove it wrong...and I wasn't getting any external validation to make that voice shrink at all...and it was TOUGH.
Can I be honest? I don't hate my body, but there are definitely days when I look in the mirror and I hear that voice getting louder:
With how much you've been exercising lately, how is it possible that you still look like the "out of shape" instructor?
Why do you still sabotage yourself with food when you know it will just make you feel shittier?
What could Matt possibly see in you...why would he even want to be with you?
You've fatted out of another pair of pants...when are you going to get in shape?
You're never going to make it in the fitness industry if you don't get your act together...
Why would anyone trust you to help them on their fitness journey, when you can't even help yourself?
You're larger than you've ever been before...you won't ever get to where you want to be..."
HOLY SHIT it's exhausting trying to tune that voice out...you know what I mean?!
In my head, I don't believe those things that I'm saying to myself: but for some reason, when those thoughts pop in they HURT...and it's hard to bounce back from...why is it that we can be so mean to ourselves? Every time that voice pops in, I have to work up the energy to fight it off with something positive about myself...it. is. exhausting.
But I keep fighting.
I keep fighting, because I know I'm enough.
I know that I am fighting to become the best version of myself.
I am fighting habits and beliefs that have years of history...
I know that I am fighting that voice that is trying to stop me from reaching my potential.
I am fighting to show myself compassion and patience every day.
I keep fighting, because I know I'm worthy of self-love.
Confidence is a muscle, and there are days when it is stronger than ever, and days when it needs some work...and that's okay.
This is my reminder to you, that you are a beautiful soul: inside and out.
Every time your voice says something negative about you, find the strength to challenge that voice by saying what you love about yourself. Do it every time. Fight to build your confidence muscle, because you deserve to be loved by yourself.