As a personal development junkie, one of the most common things you hear is that you need to GET CLEAR on your vision for your future: visualize what your ideal day would look like, what you hope to accomplish someday, and finding the things that spark your passion when you imagine them.
Lately, I have been manifesting SO MANY of those visions (even some that I didn't even imagine were possibilities for me!), and I couldn't be more thankful for all of the amazing opportunities that have been appearing in my life!
BUT...I've also been experiencing some pretty serious and reluctant bouts of anxiety along with all of these wonderful things happening, because I am now in that place of thinking: "Okay, SOOOO many good things have happened...when is the other shoe going to drop?"
And it is SO FREAKING FRUSTRATING...because why can't I just allow myself to be HAPPY and ENJOY all of these fantastic things?!
Maybe it's because I don't feel like I deserve them.
Maybe it's because my brain has been trained to create these scenarios in the past.
Maybe it's because I'm scared that I am going to fail.
Maybe it's because I'm scared that I'm going to succeed.
Maybe it's because I don't feel Like I'm good enough.
Maybe it's because I am worried that people are going to judge me.
Maybe it's because I feel like this has been the pattern all my life.
Maybe it's because ________ (fill in the blank).
Anybody else feel me on this one...??
Gosh it is exhausting to have to keep fighting off those thoughts and negative self-talk...actively working to refocus my attention each time some catastrophic thought pops into my head.
People always say how they admire my positivity, but I think it can be misleading at times to ALWAYS focus on the "bright side" of things...because it can make you tired AF. I mean seriously yall, since I've been practicing mindfulness I have become SO much more aware of how I've been speaking to myself all of these years, and it is sad...constantly putting myself down, worrying about what other people think of me because if they thought half of the things I think about myself it would be terrible, always fixating on the times that I've messed up in life and had cringeworthy moments that make me want to shrink inside of a box and ship myself halfway across the world.
Part of me knows that some of this comes from my toxic relationship back in high school, being with someone who felt they needed to constantly break me down in order to make themselves feel better...and I had an epiphany recently where I realize that there are times where I have NO IDEA when his voice ended, and when my internal voice began.
And that is a pretty damn scary realization. Because I believed it for so long, and because it has taken me SO MUCH work to push through breaking these internal barriers that were created over a decade ago by someone who put in extraordinary effort to break me down. And I wonder if there had been a class in high school that had focused on mindset, self-esteem, and empowerment, instead of a general education course, that could have saved me from that experience...
...but you know what?
I am grateful for my struggle. I am grateful for who I have had to fight to become. I am grateful that someone showed me the kind of person that I would never want to be and never want to love. I am grateful that I changed my story. I am grateful for the incredible people that I am now surrounded by each and every day. I am grateful for the person I am growing into each and every day. I am grateful for the chance to impact the lives of others. I am grateful that I learned how to recognize that unhelpful voice and tune it out. I am grateful to have a partner who continues to believe in me, lifts me up and support me through everything. I am grateful that the experiences I have gone through have made me the woman that I am today.
I am grateful for the life that I am living, and will continue to battle through the exhaustion coming from my attempts at self-sabotaging my happiness, because I know that I am worthy, deserving, and accepting of all the amazing things that I am attracting into my life.
As always, thank you for taking the time out of your day to read this post! It truly means the world to me, and I appreciate each and every one of you :)
-Melyssa (with a WHY)